Tuesday, March 10, 2009

More unnecessary deep thinking.

For the past few months, getting close to a year now, I've been in the process of growing out the relaxer in my hair.
Some people don't understand why I would ever do that (like my grandmother). She comes from the school of Do Whatever Necessary to Get Rid of Unacceptable Nappy Hair. And my mom kind of raised me slightly in that school of thought. Since I was little I've been having chemicals put in my hair, and that was just what it was, I thought that was just the way of life. I never really thought about it until my friend started growing out her natural hair. Then I began to notice the difference in healthiness between relaxed and natural hair. And in that time I'd also seen some pretty serious mishaps involving over-processed hair on women who have been doing that for years. You can still make your hair "straight" even if you don't have chemicals in your hair. I like my hair straight sometimes with my short haircuts and all but I really like my natural hair too, because it's me. So it's even BETTER to have that versatility when I want it!

Relaxing your hair is kind of like having an eating disorder or having obsessive or addictive behavior. You're unhappy with the natural state, so you do something about it that is damaging to it in the long run. And for most of us who grow our hair out it's hard to commit. Or you keep saying "After this next one I'm quitting". Why are we unhappy with the natural state? A huge part of it may be because we're trying to live up to society's standards of beauty. Sometimes among us, having that "good hurr" is an automatic equivalent to being beautiful. Another reason is manageability. It may be more time consuming to work with natural hair when you wash it and you want to straighten it, I won't lie I prefer to get that done professionally because I be struggling, but if I have to do it myself I will and I think it's worth it . but i think NATURE IS MAKING A COMEBACK! Slowly but surely, it seems like society is broadening it's horizons regarding beauty. Of course it's still skewed, progress is being made.

I must say, as small of a change as it is, it's been a huge part of my change in the feelings I harbor toward myself. It feels good to be freed from the possibly damaging (and kind of obsessive in a sense) behavior of relaxing my hair. Although it's kind of a superficial thing, we must remember that in most cases body image largely affects our image of self as a whole. I feel this is helping me accept and love how God made me. Don't get me wrong I still have gripes with the intangibles, but don't we all? I just don't need more unnecessary physical gripes to pile on top. :-)

Now please take note that while I'm now an advocate for naturalness, I don't hate on the relaxed hair. I understand! I just don't wanna see ya with damaged hair down the road!

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Just Practicing.

A friend suggested I update this....
I was trying to make this blog relate specifically to just one topic. But I couldn't think of any one particular thing I wanted to talk about. I didn't want this to turn into just me sharing what I did today, who was a total witch to me today, or what boy I fell in love with. However, I do not have any topic that I am an expert on. And I have no talents that can be shared through blog, such as art, photography, etc. I don't know the lowdown on what celebrity forgot his or her panties today..... I'm not the most interesting person in the world, always doing cool things....
but i do like to write. so i guess this is just me practicing making my writing interesting.

i'm really not so interested in making it proper, or using big words. I want people to understand me, and HEAR me if ever I write for real for real. So yeah, I'll be writing about the normal boring things, but I'm trying to make it spicy. or stank, if you will.

I started dancing again! I've been making excuses as to why I can't return to dance for a good three years. I was always coming up with these reasons why it wasn't the right time. "I can't find the right class," "i don't want to dance under those circumstances," "i no longer have an extension," "i suck"... whatever. Then I remembered a conversation I had with someone. He was saying how I should dance again. the guy didn't REALLY know me like that. We were just in a situation where we were kind of living together for a few days (lol). don't ask questions. but anyhow, I was doing what I always do and counter every encouragement given to me with "but I can't because..." "see that won't work because...." ... and this guy says... "You're thinking too much, JUST DANCE". He didn't have to know me to say something that pierced me to the core. He wasn't the only person that has said something like this to me. Since then, many people have said that to me, and probably before then too, but it really stood out because he didn't know me and he could already tell I overanalyze everything. Overanalyzing gets in the way... if you THINK too much you don't have time to DO.

Although it was said in the context of dancing, it really shoots directly at the centerpiece of my way of living in GENERAL. I mean it took me a couple of years for it to sink in since I used to be really stubborn. (I am still a bit of a mule but I'm working on it). But when I was ready, I just went all up in it. When I was sitting here thinking I can't NOT dance anymore and at the same time countering it, my memory file brought up Mr. J. Elegido saying "You're thinking too much, JUST DANCE"... i took poetic license a bit with the memory and in my head i added a "dumbass" to the end for dramatic effect. He definitely didn't take it to that level. But it helped make the point to myself. haha. Sorry my brain is a little sideways...

I took a class with some familiar faces, and I haven't felt that good in a very long time. I'm sure it's been years. I realized that dance is the reason why I live in the past. I remembered all these good memories, and most of them were dance related. Life seemed better in general when I was dancing because I was happier. I can't believe I used to COMPLAIN about it. I'm sure if I do it enough, i'll start complaining again because that's just how life works. But at least I have the experience of knowing what it's like NOT to dance under my belt, and maybe that'll help put things back into perspective when I start talking crazy, like "I HATE DANCE".

The only way I'll say I'll never dance again is if my feet are guilty. Because everyone knows that "guilty feet have got no rhythm"....
(George Michael reference)

Life looks much better from the dance floor.

PS. Ryan Leslie concert coming up. expect to hear things.

Monday, January 5, 2009

I love coffee but sometimes it makes me sick.

I was reading my weekly tabloids when he asked "Are you waiting for someone?". Unsure of why he was asking and maybe a pinch creeped out, I replied "Uh, not really... I guess not... no." He took the liberty of resting his haunches on the chair next to me.
"Do you mind?" he asked, although I could tell he already zeroed in on the fact that I would never have had the courage to say that I did mind.
"No, it's cool". As awkward as I felt, I wasn't completely lying when I said it was cool. A little company never hurt anyone.
"Do you like Jason Mraz?" he asked, squinting at a rack of CDs that were for sale.
" I did." I wanted to elaborate but my brain was too busy thinking about how random this whole think was to think of something clever to say.
"Aren't you going to ask me anything?" There was no smirk on his face. Usually they twist their faces up into a disgusting smirk that all but says Aren't I Cute? This one wasn't smirking. I found his expression of genuine concern almost as disturbing as the smirk. " You really can ask me anything."
"What do you think I should know about you?"
"I love coffee but sometimes it makes me sick."
I think we were supposed to fall in love, but when I noticed that he was drinking a large coffee I left. I didn't want to see him get sick.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Faith and Bad Haircuts.

I should have more faith in people. I used to put too much in people, and recently I found myself not giving people the benefit of the doubt when they are fully deserving of it. I was so stuck on the handful of people who did certain things to me that I'm not giving credit where credit is due.

I recently got a new phone and someone lost almost half of my phones numbers. I lost my most important ones, because I forgot that on my old phone I changed the settings for those numbers to be saved to the phone so I can change the ringtones for them. So I lost the numbers of the people who had special ringtones. With some of those people, when I realized I had to wait for them to text me so I could get their numbers due to the fact that I had no other way of contacting them I also realized that I'm the one who always texts them and that they never initiate conversation. So I assumed i'd just lose 2 or 3 those numbers for good. It was disappointing to realize that it seemed I was clinging to people who don't return the effort. I start that "story of my life" thinking. "Of course things are this way Leilani, it always will be, these people dont give a damnnnn about you, you're disposable".... Yeah well too bad I got I got a text from one of those people, just because they were in a sitatuation where they thought about me. Little surprises can change your whole outlook. These things happen sometimes and they make me feel horrible for not having more faith in them.

I'll tell you what I have completely lost faith in.... OTHER PEOPLE WHO CALL THEMSELVES "PROFESSIONALS" CUTTING MY HAIR! There was a HUGE poster in the salon of this girl wiht this hair cut that I wanted. It was clear as day. THIS CHICK GIVES ME A BOWL CUT THAT LOOKS NOTHINGGGGGGG like what I asked for. This somehow happens everytime. No matter who I go to, no matter what haircut I want, no matter how specific I am. There was one girl who cut it exactly like what I wanted and put a little extra stank on it so it would look better on me. She was AMAZING. and one day she up and left JC Penney salon and didn't tell NOOOOOOBODY. Ever since then I've been cursed. which is why Leilani is going to cut her own hair next time. When it grows out of this nightmare of a hairstyle. IM DOING IT MYSELF. I've already hit rock bottom with a straight up BOWLCUT. its not even LIKE a bowlcut it IS a bowlcut. So i'm 100% sure that there's nothing I could do that would be worse than this.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Oops. Fill ins about 2 GREAT concerts!

I promised pictures.
I lied.
My camera's charger is M.I.A.

The concert was a phenomenal experience! The opening act was a band called Holy Fuck. Intense name. One that I wont say out loud. But their performance was pretty sweet, I liked their music and all... but it was hottttttttt, OH SO HOT. And crowded. And these girls kept trying to weasel their way up to the front so people had to build human walls / barriers with their crews to prevent these these people from slithering their way through to the front, pushing people who GOT THERE FIRST back. So that put a little crank in my 2 step (whatever that means... ).

But when M.I.A. came on... It was wonderful... she was so fierce she was wearing this gold sparkly hat that had... things .. hanging down from the side... and a gold jacket that matched and some purple tights and silver shorts.... and like a purple leotard with neon doodads on the front. Her backup dancers were so fierce. I love the colorful culture that M.I.A. brings to your eyes and your ears! ESPECIALLY THE EARS... I mean... the beats of her songs... like... I feel like I caught the holy ghost in church.... it was the secular equivalent of a religious experience. I couldn't stand still even though I was basically MUSHED against everyone else.

Let's talk about the audience situation... it was... bodies... upon bodies... upon bodies. Once again just like that time I went to hear Girl Talk at Vassar... I was covered in a collective sweat. College age kids mostly ... maybe some younger... all dressed like a rainbow puked on them ( I mean that in a good way, it was a beautiful thing) just... smushed together. everytime someone moved, the entire crowd had to move. the security guards had to salvage some people from the audience because people were getting literally crushed. Im sure that sucked for them, but I liked the situation, honestly. I always do enjoy being able to be that close to people without it being awkward. Because when I was dancing modern in high school we always had to be "all up on" each other and you kind of miss that when it's gone. haha as crazy as that sounds.

skip to Jamie Lidell concert in NYC Sunday June 8

Ticketmaster told us 8 pm. Sash and I get there at 7:40 or something... and the guys are like... he goes on at 10. So I decide to see my friend, who just moved there. He was working, and he told us how to get to come see him. I was so excited to see him, but we didn't. Once we got off the train, we walked in the wrong direction for a LONG period of time (long story short) and by the time we realized that, we had to go back to get there in time for the concert.

Now we get to the concert.... The first act is on... I dont know who it was, but they assured me that if I wanted to I could become a singer for a band I could. and I'm sure i could learn to play guitar like that within weeks. I mean to me it sounded like PLING PLING PLING (airy dry singing voice)... i woke uppppp todayyyy and drank coffeeeee PLING PLING. But i forced myself to be into it because I was in the moment and I was happy to be there and live music makes me happy in any form.

Jamie comes on... wearing these pajama-ish pants. they were like black and cream soft... linen like almost... and they had a huge hole in the crotch. And a tshirt with a black blazer with gold detail on it. He looked great! hahaha! He's really really tall! his guitar player donned an evel knievel outfit, whilst the sax player wore a short silk robe with NO PANTALONES underneath i think. im hoping there was SOMETHING underneath. I kept trying to peek to see but I couldn't tell ( we were in the front row)
The performance was off the chain! The boy can sing! There's just so much energy he has coming out of his body he just can't contain himself when he performs. And he goes to his little... station where he records all his vocals and layers them to create these intense beats and sound effects. Once again... those beats... it was like a secular version of a religious experience! It really was like a journey. Those parts where he did all the layering of beats and such with his voice... I really truly felt like I was in a trance , and i couldn't stop moving. The audience was much different, everyone had his or her own personal space. the guy next to me was WILDING... THE HECK... OUT. I just kept seeing arms and legs flailing out of the corner of my eye. Then I caught his shoulder shimmying at a side glance ... CRACKED ME UP! unfortunately we had to leave a bit early to catch the bus back to pa. bad planning because TICKETMASTER LIED AND SAID IT WAS AT 8PM.

anyway. those are my two great concert experiences.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Wondering if anyone will ever read this...

I want to go out tonight. The thing is as badly as I want to get out of the house, I don't feel like making the effort to get together with anyone because I have a feeling that the plans will fall through anyway. On a night like tonight at least.... rainy, ugly ... etc.
Also if I did go out.... what would I do? I mean... if we're being honest here... 20 is a crappy age to be in this area. All the clubs are 21 + except one called Montana West... apparently the dj there thinks it's really cool to play Spice Girls, and other songs of long ago. Things that are BARELY danceable. They need some serious help over there.

I mean I could hit Billiards... but everything is so far away. And gas costs money.

But on the brightside I'm seeing M.I.A. tomorrow. Can't get much better.

I guess for tonight I'll read about other people's adventures :-(


I'm pretty sure last year's Disney Channel 's programming was 100% better than it is now. First of all... why would they trade late nightBoy Meets World, Phil of the Future, Life With Derek , That's So Raven , and Suite Life for... CARTOONS... those cartoons... are unenjoyable if you're not an 8 year old boy, who wouldn't be awake at such hours to see these programs. I can't be the only person who feels this makes no sense.
I am forced to be on my computer making blogs because there's nothing good on tv during my favorite hours of the day(night?)
we should protest.
moving along....

You make things worse when you try to be sly. See, my dog Chloe is on my bed and she's located in the spot to which I wanted to move my feet so I figured instead of moving her (cuz she'd probably bite me) I'd just bother her by putting my feet under her so she'll want to move... do you know that little monkeybutt made herself comfortable on top of my feet? now i can't move them...

in more exciting and useful news... I'M GOING TO THE M.I.A. CONCERT THURSDAY. I will be taking plenty of pictures and will narrate for all those who haven't experienced the wonderfulness that is M.I.A.